Monthly Archives: March 2012

Shock and Awe

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The wow factor of this experience is simply amazing. I’m watching something unfold within myself and I’m newly astounded on a daily basis by what I’m seeing. It’s not just what I’m seeing, but what I feel when I look at it. Power and grace have no real meaning until you see what the people of this world are really up to behind all the convoluted illusions.

It sounds better than a cocaine or heroin high, and it is, but therein lies the problem. If you let it, it will float you away from this world on a cloud of ecstasy. You need to keep that anchor or you’re floating into ascension or worse, a kind of wandering insanity until you re-orient yourself. As good as it feels and as much as I want to stay in that wonderful world forever, I know that I’m not supposed to. I’ve learned enough about the resurrection process at this point to realize that any real heaven needs to be firmly anchored in the earth.

The power of it absolutely grips you, but if you start losing your grip on it, you need to turn it off. Oddly enough, I know just how far I can go and what I can safely get away with from years of experimentation with just about every natural substance known to man and a few synthetic ones, most of those actually having been prescribed. The scary part is that it’s far more powerful than any external drug (my brain could in fact be converting small amounts of serotonin into DMT and/or releasing endorphins as part of the experience, but that’s internal). The good news is that unlike an external drug that gains control over you until the effects wear off, you can turn this off just by tuning it out.

I want the process to happen, it is and will but I don’t want it to overwhelm me. If it starts to get more of a grip on me than I have on it, my only counter is a tenacious grip on this world. I’m not supposed to give up one for the other, I’m supposed to “bear the cross” and pull them together. It’s not an easy thing to do, but oddly enough what I thought were a couple of decades wasted on partying were forming the muscle memory to do it. The odd thing was, it always seemed like my abuse was more experimental than those around me.

We were all in it to see how fucked up we could get, but I was always after more and seemed to have a greater purpose that saved me from the fate of many people around me doing the same thing. In many cases I could push it much further than what killed people around me engaged in the same activities, because even tho I’d step over the line, I had a way to pull myself back.

I have a no holds barred imagination, I’m not afraid to let my mind go there when it comes to imagining anything. Even with that, even knowing it was coming, what is being revealed to me is literally blowing my fucking mind every time I look at it. I need to take it in smaller doses until I get used to it. Without the experiences of my so called wasted life, I’d be like the monkey picking the cocaine button over the food button until I starved to death.

The other thing is, there’s a time for dreaming and a time for doing. I need to see what I’m doing, but sitting there reveling in its glory is like spinning your wheels in mud, you think you’re getting somewhere but you’re not really moving forward at all. I’m trying to understand what I’m seeing, not take an egoic bath in it.

I imagine the same thing is going on in the global consciousness, we know what it is we’re after now, we know it’s reachable and it’s very probable that all we need is patience and vigilance to get there. I know a big key to this is everyone seeing what we’re actually up to behind and beneath the headless chicken dance, but I think that’s just a matter of tuning in to it with all three eyes wide open.

We usually get it wrong before we get it right, but we ALWAYS get it right eventually and when we do… boy is it ever right.

 

Space is Solid

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It’s 4:41am and I’m being shown a model of matter. Think of it like a bucket of bucky balls all the same size. They all kind of lay together in this nice lattice structure with interstitial spaces between them. Now imagine filling those spaces in between with bucky balls that exactly fit, filling those interstitial spaces but creating a whole new set of still smaller ones. Fill those with more bucky balls that exactly fit  – ad infinitum. All space is filled, there is no such thing as empty space, it is in fact absolutely solid.

Each successive set of bucky balls is like an order of magnitude, maybe like an octave since life on one order can’t see life on the others because they are in the space(s) in between. We only see, or at least only recognize matter within our own set of bucky balls, we don’t see the matter in the smaller or larger interstitial spaces. There isn’t just “space” but in fact many spaces, all containing yet not containing each other in absolute solidity.

I’m not sure how it all ties in, I was shown the same thing in a slightly different way a few years ago. I get the concept as far as what I’ve explained here, but don’t know what to do with it yet.

The Baptism of Humanity

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I was taking a walk with my dog when I got a look at something.

If you look at what has been going on since our “fall” from what we used to be, you could say it’s a mass baptism in a sea of consciousness. You can imagine at the surface you see the light of consciousness radiant as the splendid sun, but as you go deeper the light gets dimmer and dimmer. At the bottom of our baptismal dip, where we are now, it’s almost black. If it weren’t for a few divers with flashlights we’d see nothing at all.

But we’re rounding the curve at the bottom of the dip and being pulled back up by the priest within us. That’s an important correspondence at a crucial time, because it means we don’t have to “try” to get back to the light, we’re being lifted.

This is personally applicable to me at this particular time in life because my conscious mind wants to freak out about what is happening within me. On the outside I see an eminent collapse of something, probably the old way of looking at things. On the inside, I have something happening that is indescribably wonderful, and likely what I have sought all my life. The problem is, one seems real, and the other is real, but which is which? My mental teeter totter is perplexed.

I want emancipation from the cares of the world, I’ve been wanting it for a while now. What I mean is I don’t want to have all the dependencies I have now that keep me in a state of fear and worry when I think about losing them. Things like food, water, utilities, clothing, a warm bed, taking care of loved ones dependent on me, etc. I know that all these things are just ways we look at managing various energies within us. Atomically speaking, we don’t need to eat, but we would need vectored energies of varying color and intensity to keep our individual standing wave packets intact and strong. I want better ways of looking at and managing those energies.

We’re atoms, kind of like the ultimate atom because a whole human being contains all atoms everywhere. But what atoms really are is focused energy, the energy of conscious thought or awareness. When we become aware of something, our first instinct is to look at it. This very act makes it appear or manifest as something material, the more we focus the more it takes shape. The thing you’re most aware of is “you”, your own identity because you are focused on the task of creating your individual self. The thing we’re second most aware of is the people around us to see how they’re doing what we’re doing.

We are always far more focused on ourselves than anything around us, to the point where we don’t even realize the sea of consciousness we’re swimming in. The aim of that is obviously individuality, it’s part of how we create our individual identity. We also know that these standing wave packets or atoms resonate at certain frequencies. I call these ring frequencies or just “rings”, it’s how we identify and differentiate between “things” in the material world. It’s also how we “tune in” to different dimensions and realities and how all these hidden worlds can be right here without us knowing about it.

I think from an atomic view, we’re trying to create standing waves that can resonate with any and all other standing waves in the sea of consciousness, which is also us, we just aren’t aware of it so we call it the unconscious. As you can see tho, it’s actually pure consciousness… clear… passive consciousness. God if you will, but that’s our personification of a electromagnetic field of vibration that is conscious of itself as itself, but cannot differentiate all of the constituent parts within itself. Omniscience. This is one of the ways we look at ourselves, you are simply you, without regard to the universe of activity within.

The subconscious mind is actually the same consciousness in activity… mentally doing something, or “thinking”. When we put clear passive consciousness into action it gets colored by our emotions, creating the world we see around us. Thoughts are the stopping of continuous thought to get a look at what we’re doing. The reason we think in thoughts is because we’re mentally doing something, stopping to see what we’re doing, and then going back to doing it. The times when we’re stopping things to observe, measure and identify, is essentially what our individual conscious self knows as life, being almost entirely unconscious of the rest of us.

The conscious mind is the “man”, the standing waves created by the act of observation and description of what we’re doing, but it’s not actually what we’re doing, just a description of it based on observation and measurement. Consciously, we see our “self” as those measurements, but those measurements only describe what we’re seeing, they don’t define it until we understand just what it is we’re looking at. We see faces and are able to differentiate and identify, but we don’t really see what lies behind them, including our own.

It is the subconscious mind that is actually thinking, or doing something, the conscious mind is simply an observer that believes it is in control. I can say that a lot of what makes me autistic and causes so much struggle and aggravation in my world is this act of observation constantly interrupting what I’m actually trying to do. If I could just let it flow, I would be graceful and flawless at everything, but I can’t do that until I figure out what it is I’m doing thru experimentation and observation. The subconscious mind is the priest in us, the “hand” or “word” of god because it is your passive consciousness moving in action.

I think I’m finally getting a whole lot of stuff, but the message that wants to ring thru loud and clear is to get my conscious mind out of the way so my subconscious mind can bring the whole of me back to the surface – so the fish becomes aware of the sea and the sea becomes aware of the fish… Humanity in all it’s glory as the true masters of creation. Or just me, finally figuring out wtf is going on around me so I can respond to life instead of reacting to it. MOTD: “Stop reacting to what you don’t know and start responding with what you do know”.

Looking at a baptism again, when we first get dunked into a sea of chaos, we’re kicking and screaming like infants, fighting it the whole way. Why? Because we’ve just come from a state of totally knowing what’s going on to “wtf is happening to me?” and we fight to make sense out of it. The deeper you go the less sense it makes until you get to the bottom where things make almost no sense at all. It’s important at this juncture to quit kicking and screaming and let the priest do his job and fill the vessel (your conscious mind) with holy water (understanding or whole consciousness) by letting him lift you up with your mouth wide open. I’m sure this has everything to do with both the Egyptian Opening of the Mouth ceremony and the sign of Aquarius pouring the holy water.

The best thing about this is I don’t have to consciously ”make” it happen, all I have to do is quit kicking and screaming (reacting out of fear and misunderstanding) and let a highly trained priest do his job and it should heal not only me, but my entire world around me (an end to any and all misunderstanding).

 

Order of Chaos

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Just a thought from looking at what I’m trying to do.

My life has always been a fierce battle between order and chaos. I’d say that virtually every one of my autistic meltdowns were because I couldn’t make sense of what was going on. There is a part of me that flies into a rage when shit doesn’t make sense, I want to make it make sense. I think I see a pattern now of what’s been going on. I’m trying to create an order of chaos.

What I mean by that is a level of system order so complex that it is literally capable of containing chaos itself. You look at it one way and it’s complete chaos, none of it makes any sense – look at it another way and it is this intricately woven tapestry of complexities making literally anything possible within its laws, yet there is an elegant simplicity to it so it totally makes sense.

Edgar Cayce’s reading said that John Peni El would give to the world a new order of things. He could have been talking about my completed world view, because essentially it’s a mental pattern or “order” capable of containing chaos. I actually have two world views, one where nothing makes sense and another where everything makes sense. I mash them together in my head to come up with a composite view which I think equates to understanding. When I run into anything that doesn’t fit in my current order or world view, I destroy it and build a more complex one with new ways of looking at things. What I’m looking for is a way of seeing things where everything makes total sense. I’m not trying to replace chaos with order, I actually don’t want to lose any chaos because chaos equals things like fun, mystery, chance, luck, change, and most of all, individuality. I don’t want to lose any order because that’s how I make enough sense out of what’s going on around me to know I’m having fun. Without out a thirst for order, no mystery would ever get solved because that’s essentially what solving a mystery is… an attempt to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense. Without order, there could be no working society, without chaos it wouldn’t be worth living in.

This might even have a kind of physical component based on the human skull as a resonating chamber and standing waves. I’m really sketchy on this part but I think there’s something about harmonic orders in music that corresponds to what I’m doing, involving resonance and interference patterns. The brain is in concert all the time, playing music and producing resonance and interference and standing waves. I think when I get a model that’s making sense out of things I’m mentally “seeing” resonance, when something comes along that doesn’t makes sense, it interferes with that resonance essentially “breaking” that level of harmonic order. For some reason, I’m not sure why, the pattern will shift into the next higher level of order in an attempt to harmonize the interference, thereby containing it. That could use help by someone who knows acoustics, but the gist of it is there. Think of a sea of vibrations and atoms=thoughts=people as standing waves. It’s possible that a world view is based on how many standing waves you can create and keep going in your skull using your own thoughts to perturb the water surrounding your brain. Obviously that’s just how it manifests but where there’s smoke there’s fire. Somebody must be doing research on that somewhere.

Take this world… on the surface (conscious mind) it is total chaos, nothing makes sense and the things that seem to are in reality the most nonsensical of all. Yet, the deeper you look the more it starts to make some kind of mysteriously brilliant sense, so much so that you get mesmerized by its beauty. I look at what we do everyday on the surface and it seriously does look like 7 billion headless chickens, but looking at what we’re up to underneath all that, I’m seeing a human endeavor with a scale and scope that is simply mind boggling. I wouldn’t see that without a such a high level of system order in my world view. I see it, but I want to understand it better so currently I’m smashing thru world view models like a juggernaut trying to come up with one that will happily contain a world of chaos.

Honestly tho, I’m doing it because I hate anything that doesn’t make sense, but I love solving a mystery. My mind won’t rest until it has a crystallized world view that does make complete sense out of everything going on here, which is hopefully soon because I’d love a moment of mental relaxation.

Rabble Rabble

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I just wanted to spew some shit to clear my mind. I’ve got a lot I could talk about if it would stay there long enough for me to get a good look at, but it keeps morphing and refining itself so fast I can’t get a stable view of what’s happening yet. I did something out of curiosity a couple of weeks ago, and what I did, did something to me. I seem to be finally learning who I am and what is going on here, but the whole thing is nearly blowing my mind on a daily basis. I’m working very hard on trying to get it all into proper perspective so I’m able to put it to good use without wasting or abusing it. I’m not saying what it is just yet, because to any normally educated person it would sound about a million light years beyond crazy.

Believing it seems to come in stages as I try to look at it from every conceivable angle available to me trying to find the usual flags so I can call bullshit on it. The problem is, the deeper I look the more it makes sense, albeit in a profoundly mystical way. This is potentially a very dangerous situation because if it’s true and real and supposed to be happening then I have to allow it, but if it’s all just some hugely elaborate flight of fancy and I allow it to continue while my world collapses around me, it’s nothing but a colossal failure. It takes balls to have faith at this point, my mind wants to strike out in all directions trying to freak out about it, but something previously unknown in me seems to be effectively countering that tendency. Technically, I should be freaking out because I see a very real possibility of losing the means to support my material life and normally my brain would be switching over to survival mode to address the situation… but it’s not. It wants to continue with my inner work which going by previous patterns means that the guiding part of me thinks it’s under control and there’s nothing to worry about. I spent a few days trying to freak out, and believe me I’ve always been good at it, but it’s like for the first time in my life I’m gaining a valid way to keep myself from freaking out other than caving in to its demands.

This is where the rubber meets the road tho, this is what everyone here is going to go thru at some point. People are already in this position everywhere having lost their homes and jobs, psychologically affecting not just their own lives, but the general air of despair in the field of human consciousness… and this is just the beginning of the global collapse. Now we could all act like desperate animals and freak out fighting to remain as slaves working for food and the occasional treat, but personally, no matter what happens, I’m pretty much done with that shit. I’m not afraid of, nor have I ever been afraid of hard work, I just want to engage in fruitful work that I enjoy and excel at. My function and position within the body of humanity is seemingly being defined to me. I just want to perform that duty to the best of my unique abilities, with zeal, passion, and grace. Not out of a sense of duty to god or country or something separate from me, but because I realize that the body of humanity is MY body. That gives me a project worth pouring the whole of myself into, working in full harmonic concert with the rest of the band.

I think it’s important to note somewhere that I seem to have gone about all this backwards. Most people I know that are involved in this stuff have started out academically, studying and learning about various esoteric traditions and philosophies and then attempting to apply that knowledge to gain the desired experience. In my case, the experience just happens, then I’m directed toward studying subjects that help to explain it. I haven’t become an expert in any of those fields and to be honest I’m not a very good student at anything that doesn’t pique my interest. The only things that seem to grab me are the specific parts that relate to what I’m doing at the time I’m doing it. That’s where all the esoteric lore has helped the most, it lets me know that this is something to be cherished, protected and pursued with vigor. I’m starting to realize that I somehow have within me something that the richest, most powerful people on earth would give up their entire fortunes for in a heartbeat. The biggest waste would be to deny it as some kind of crazy fantasy and live a “normal” life like everyone else, which in itself is complete bullshit. Who here actually lives that “normal” life? We’re all eccentric freaks at heart, just pretending to be “normal” so we can handle the relentless boredom of running in circles around our little prison cells. All people are cool, normal can fuck off.

Something else I realized is (meaning the reality of it finally hit me) is that the whip no longer works on my ass. Go ahead, show me the whip, threaten to use it, even beat me half to death with it, but my ass ain’t moving anymore without a reachable fucking carrot in front of me. Being afraid, can fuck off too. Here I always have the image of the Pharaoh’s casket with the arms crossed over his heart holding a crook in one hand and flail in the other. Not only do you have to use both to get yourself thru this world successfully, but you have to know when (and perhaps more importantly) when NOT to use them. I’ve really gotten all one can get out of the flail, any further use would turn a divine steed into a broken and worthless beast. I need to find his favorite carrots and make sure he’s getting them regularly enough to keep him happily moving along.

I have decided to start making allowances for everything. I’m willing to let faith and fate take it’s course naturally. I honestly don’t know if I’m supposed to be strong and do this alone, or if I should expect help. Up until now I’ve pretty much winged it solo and it’s been hard living a life nobody around you understands. I don’t know whether to hang tough or expect help so that’s where the allowing thing comes in. My decision is to keep pursuing what I’ve always pursued and seek help only from within, but to allow it to come from any source without prejudice. For instance, I have people in my life that have told me many times that if I ever need work or help to let them know. I’ve never really taken anyone up on that because things just kind of came my way so I never needed to. I think they all know I would starve to death before I knocked on their door asking for help, but at the same time I’m not so stupid as to refuse help when I do need it. A lot of it has to do with being autistic and having to act strong to keep the wolves at bay. I have always needed more help than I’m willing to admit, but asking for it under the wrong circumstances only cues the wolves to an easy meal.

If any of my friends don’t understand the course I’ve chosen it’s not for lack of trying to explain it. If I’ve totally screwed up and the world doesn’t decide to support me in my new line of work, then I apologize for having to watch me tube it, but I’ll never be sorry that I decided to chase my dream. All decisions until now have only led me to the entrance of the rabbit hole, my dream is down in that rabbit hole and that leaves me with a choice that’s really already been made. If I were my friends, I’d at the very least be keenly watching what happens just to see if the crazy fool could actually pull it off, especially since most of them don’t think what I’m going on about is even possible. I for one am curious to see what the actual effects of this transmutation are. I’m pretty sure there is no physical death involved, but rather a whole body healing culminating in physical perfection, mental clarity, emotional balance and spiritual purpose with natural abilities that we would consider magical or god like. I’m pretty sure it will be altogether obvious when someone achieves it as I don’t think it can be hidden from the human consciousness… we’re talking that big a deal. Obviously at times I wonder if it’s really possible, I mean think of what we’re talking about here, it really is beyond our current scope of imagination. Just trying to imagine a life without having to put up with all the irritations, conflict, and suffering we’re accustomed to is nearly impossible.

I have to let this live or die by it’s own merit. If the world and people around me wish to help based on the merits of my work then I will gladly accept that help, but I’m likely to let my world come crashing down around me before I go chasing it down just to keep the grub flowing for a meaningless existence. I am expecting help from “out of the blue” so to speak, in other words I don’t know where it will come from or what form it will take, but something in me believes it will come. I also understand that depends completely on the merits of my work and whether or not the body of humanity chooses to support it. If not, then I see no other useful purpose I can serve in this world. I’m useless as a grinder at this point, I just no longer have the will to make myself do it. I don’t know how many people here have ever tried to make an autistic person do something they don’t want to do, but when I decide to balk, there is no force on earth that can move me and I’m well aware of it. Ask anyone close to someone autistic, it’s really quite remarkable the staying power we have in being “unmovable”. I’m not doing anything rash or stupid. It’s rather the opposite, I need to let this shit prove itself and either it will or it won’t.

I see something that we have been striving toward for eons upon eons of persistent time coming to fruition. The Vedic records indicate observed cycles of over 300 trillion years, we have been at this for as close to forever as you can get. Why? Because the prize is supposed to be worth the effort a thousand times over. We are a very, very ancient race of people with many names and legends across the universe of worlds. We are the First Ones, the Ancients, the Immortal Masters of Ta Meri, the Noble Priest Kings of the Sacred Heart. We need to wake up because we have a function to perform within the body of humanity… to reverse what was done by the priests in Egypt and re-open the human heart. As freakin weird as it sounds, I think that it all started right here at this point in time, those Ancient Masters are us. We see our god like ancestors as far in the distant past as we do our god like perfected selves in the distant future, I think we’re actually at the point of our own origin in the great cycle of time. I think that’s what the Mayans were trying to tell us.

This world is about to collapse but not because we f’d it up beyond repair by being lazy and stupid, but because we’re entering a new world that is infinitely better. I now know what the bible phrase “girding your loins” means. I’m going into this with all faith in what I’m doing, but the reason it’s called faith is because you don’t know. I have to be willing to go thru a door without knowing what’s on the other side. I have to do it even if I’m utterly terrified of what’s on the other side, because I want to know. I’m not a person of blind faith, my faith is founded on what I believe is possible and what I believe is possible is based on solid math and observable phenomena… and a few hunches as to what all that means. I have good reason to believe that door is the way to go, but I still don’t know for sure. The problem is you have to bet your entire stack of chips to find out if you’re right, and for that you have to gird your loins because here the stack of chips is your life as you’ve known it. That’s gonna take a huge set of balls no matter how you slice it. However, if someone here actually does it, then that fear of the unknown is removed. For me, faith says it’s possible, but if I can actually do what I think is possible then all doubt that it IS possible is removed. I have no fucking clue as to what’s on the other side of that door, but if I can open it and keep it open, we’re all going to find out very soon.

On the surface I’m probably the least likely person you’d expect to be capable of achieving much of anything worthwhile to the body of humanity. My nature is fairly noble but I’ve always been a loser by circumstance. I’m liked and respected but only because I hang around with other losers with fairly noble natures. I say that in the fondest most loving way because the one thing you never have to worry about with my friends is them screwing you, it’s just not in their nature. The normal world can be very difficult for me to navigate sometimes because of autism and related goodies so about half the time the world sees me as some confused idiot who can’t find his ass with both hands. What I’m trying to get at is that this world should be rooting for me, because if a loser dork like me can achieve this mysterious human transfiguration that every myth, fable and religion tells us is possible, then anyone can and that’s the whole point of all this.

I’ll be documenting what I’m experiencing in following posts as long as I have the means to do so. If this is supposed to be, then I should continue to not only have, but improve those means. I have a lot to relate that I hope will be beneficial, but I need to clean it up and put it into better perspective. It’s very difficult for me to relate things as I’m going thru them until I figure out just what it is I’m going thru. I’ll try to relate both what I’m experiencing and what I think it means, but right now it’s all changing as fast as I can keep up with it. What I can say right now, is that something profound is happening within me, and even tho I know it’s me doing it, I haven’t quite figured out how I’m doing it yet. My guess is that my subconscious mind is taking over the helm and navigational controls, leaving my conscious mind as pretty much just an observer. If that is the case, then any worrying is kind of pointless because I’m not consciously in a position to do anything but watch how it all plays out. Rather perfect for the purpose at hand if it’s true, because then I can relax, watch, and learn and that will make relating the experience much easier and clean this stuff up so it makes a little more sense.

Relaxing is one of those things I’ve always wanted to try, I’ve just never had the chance.