So here I sit, relatively uninspired at the moment, reflecting on the gravity of the situation. This is one of those re-balancing moments where everything is in a state of flux. I’ve found flaws in my world view model so I have to smash it to pieces and rebuild the whole thing… again. As bad as it sounds, I do it all the time and my mind has gotten pretty fast at it so it’s not as gloomy and doomy as it was the first time I realized I had to smash it and start over.
It’s not like you can just correct a single flaw or add a new piece and be done with it. It’s like tuning a steel drum, change one note and you have to re-tune all of them. Every piece in my world view model is intimately intertwined with every other piece, change anything with one piece and you have to make adjustments accordingly on all of them. It ends up being easier to demolish and rebuild the whole thing around the new information than tweaking every little piece individually.
It’s also a lesson in humility, to realize the gravity of the situation. I always planned on succeeding at this, I haven’t lived my life with any kind of alternate plan or safety net in case I fail – this is it. It’s moments like these that I reflect on what I’m doing and wonder if I haven’t bitten off WAY more than I can chew. I realize just how much help I’m going to need to make this work. What if it doesn’t arrive? What if the call to my posse falls on deaf ears? What if they don’t even exist outside of my head? I guess it’s time to find out, just kick back and watch it unfold because it’s way better entertainment than anything on TV.
The thought of giving up doesn’t really enter into my mind, I have a lifetime invested in this, wtf else would I even do? Besides that, once you’re 2/3 of the way down the rabbit hole, you might as well go all the way because nothing else will ever satisfy.
I kinda came out firing both barrels but when I weighed all the options on what angle to approach this from, that was the one that sucked the least. A soft start and gradual lead in would have taken too long, gained little attention, and given me too much of a safety net. There’s that old principle which basically says “if you put a man in a do or die situation, more often than not… he’ll do”. It adds a little incentive to get it right when you don’t have any other options.
This is a fucked up chaotic mess of a world, nothing here makes sense when you really look at it. It’s like a bad clown nightmare, if you saw it from the outside it would all look like ridiculous nonsense, yet we accept it as reality. But then when you REALLY look at it from all angles, something weird starts to happen and it does start making sense. That’s the “order” that I’m looking for, my mind hates irrational bullshit so it’s constantly re-ordering everything trying to make sense of it all. In other words, I don’t have a choice, I’m either going to figure this out or die trying.
The odd thing is, I’m not actually afraid of dying. I know that the real me can’t actually be destroyed because I’m all that there is at that level. I can neither be created or destroyed, only what I create or destroy can be created or destroyed. The only fear I have is in having to go thru everything we went thru to get here all over again if it doesn’t work out. It’s an incredible amount of blood, sweat, and tears to go to waste, not that I wouldn’t try all over again if I know it’s possible, I’d just rather not have to.
I never really lose faith that we can do this tho, not because we haven’t failed countless times before, but because it’s just our time… we’ve kinda run out of ways to fail.