I just wanted to spew some shit to clear my mind. I’ve got a lot I could talk about if it would stay there long enough for me to get a good look at, but it keeps morphing and refining itself so fast I can’t get a stable view of what’s happening yet. I did something out of curiosity a couple of weeks ago, and what I did, did something to me. I seem to be finally learning who I am and what is going on here, but the whole thing is nearly blowing my mind on a daily basis. I’m working very hard on trying to get it all into proper perspective so I’m able to put it to good use without wasting or abusing it. I’m not saying what it is just yet, because to any normally educated person it would sound about a million light years beyond crazy.

Believing it seems to come in stages as I try to look at it from every conceivable angle available to me trying to find the usual flags so I can call bullshit on it. The problem is, the deeper I look the more it makes sense, albeit in a profoundly mystical way. This is potentially a very dangerous situation because if it’s true and real and supposed to be happening then I have to allow it, but if it’s all just some hugely elaborate flight of fancy and I allow it to continue while my world collapses around me, it’s nothing but a colossal failure. It takes balls to have faith at this point, my mind wants to strike out in all directions trying to freak out about it, but something previously unknown in me seems to be effectively countering that tendency. Technically, I should be freaking out because I see a very real possibility of losing the means to support my material life and normally my brain would be switching over to survival mode to address the situation… but it’s not. It wants to continue with my inner work which going by previous patterns means that the guiding part of me thinks it’s under control and there’s nothing to worry about. I spent a few days trying to freak out, and believe me I’ve always been good at it, but it’s like for the first time in my life I’m gaining a valid way to keep myself from freaking out other than caving in to its demands.

This is where the rubber meets the road tho, this is what everyone here is going to go thru at some point. People are already in this position everywhere having lost their homes and jobs, psychologically affecting not just their own lives, but the general air of despair in the field of human consciousness… and this is just the beginning of the global collapse. Now we could all act like desperate animals and freak out fighting to remain as slaves working for food and the occasional treat, but personally, no matter what happens, I’m pretty much done with that shit. I’m not afraid of, nor have I ever been afraid of hard work, I just want to engage in fruitful work that I enjoy and excel at. My function and position within the body of humanity is seemingly being defined to me. I just want to perform that duty to the best of my unique abilities, with zeal, passion, and grace. Not out of a sense of duty to god or country or something separate from me, but because I realize that the body of humanity is MY body. That gives me a project worth pouring the whole of myself into, working in full harmonic concert with the rest of the band.

I think it’s important to note somewhere that I seem to have gone about all this backwards. Most people I know that are involved in this stuff have started out academically, studying and learning about various esoteric traditions and philosophies and then attempting to apply that knowledge to gain the desired experience. In my case, the experience just happens, then I’m directed toward studying subjects that help to explain it. I haven’t become an expert in any of those fields and to be honest I’m not a very good student at anything that doesn’t pique my interest. The only things that seem to grab me are the specific parts that relate to what I’m doing at the time I’m doing it. That’s where all the esoteric lore has helped the most, it lets me know that this is something to be cherished, protected and pursued with vigor. I’m starting to realize that I somehow have within me something that the richest, most powerful people on earth would give up their entire fortunes for in a heartbeat. The biggest waste would be to deny it as some kind of crazy fantasy and live a “normal” life like everyone else, which in itself is complete bullshit. Who here actually lives that “normal” life? We’re all eccentric freaks at heart, just pretending to be “normal” so we can handle the relentless boredom of running in circles around our little prison cells. All people are cool, normal can fuck off.

Something else I realized is (meaning the reality of it finally hit me) is that the whip no longer works on my ass. Go ahead, show me the whip, threaten to use it, even beat me half to death with it, but my ass ain’t moving anymore without a reachable fucking carrot in front of me. Being afraid, can fuck off too. Here I always have the image of the Pharaoh’s casket with the arms crossed over his heart holding a crook in one hand and flail in the other. Not only do you have to use both to get yourself thru this world successfully, but you have to know when (and perhaps more importantly) when NOT to use them. I’ve really gotten all one can get out of the flail, any further use would turn a divine steed into a broken and worthless beast. I need to find his favorite carrots and make sure he’s getting them regularly enough to keep him happily moving along.

I have decided to start making allowances for everything. I’m willing to let faith and fate take it’s course naturally. I honestly don’t know if I’m supposed to be strong and do this alone, or if I should expect help. Up until now I’ve pretty much winged it solo and it’s been hard living a life nobody around you understands. I don’t know whether to hang tough or expect help so that’s where the allowing thing comes in. My decision is to keep pursuing what I’ve always pursued and seek help only from within, but to allow it to come from any source without prejudice. For instance, I have people in my life that have told me many times that if I ever need work or help to let them know. I’ve never really taken anyone up on that because things just kind of came my way so I never needed to. I think they all know I would starve to death before I knocked on their door asking for help, but at the same time I’m not so stupid as to refuse help when I do need it. A lot of it has to do with being autistic and having to act strong to keep the wolves at bay. I have always needed more help than I’m willing to admit, but asking for it under the wrong circumstances only cues the wolves to an easy meal.

If any of my friends don’t understand the course I’ve chosen it’s not for lack of trying to explain it. If I’ve totally screwed up and the world doesn’t decide to support me in my new line of work, then I apologize for having to watch me tube it, but I’ll never be sorry that I decided to chase my dream. All decisions until now have only led me to the entrance of the rabbit hole, my dream is down in that rabbit hole and that leaves me with a choice that’s really already been made. If I were my friends, I’d at the very least be keenly watching what happens just to see if the crazy fool could actually pull it off, especially since most of them don’t think what I’m going on about is even possible. I for one am curious to see what the actual effects of this transmutation are. I’m pretty sure there is no physical death involved, but rather a whole body healing culminating in physical perfection, mental clarity, emotional balance and spiritual purpose with natural abilities that we would consider magical or god like. I’m pretty sure it will be altogether obvious when someone achieves it as I don’t think it can be hidden from the human consciousness… we’re talking that big a deal. Obviously at times I wonder if it’s really possible, I mean think of what we’re talking about here, it really is beyond our current scope of imagination. Just trying to imagine a life without having to put up with all the irritations, conflict, and suffering we’re accustomed to is nearly impossible.

I have to let this live or die by it’s own merit. If the world and people around me wish to help based on the merits of my work then I will gladly accept that help, but I’m likely to let my world come crashing down around me before I go chasing it down just to keep the grub flowing for a meaningless existence. I am expecting help from “out of the blue” so to speak, in other words I don’t know where it will come from or what form it will take, but something in me believes it will come. I also understand that depends completely on the merits of my work and whether or not the body of humanity chooses to support it. If not, then I see no other useful purpose I can serve in this world. I’m useless as a grinder at this point, I just no longer have the will to make myself do it. I don’t know how many people here have ever tried to make an autistic person do something they don’t want to do, but when I decide to balk, there is no force on earth that can move me and I’m well aware of it. Ask anyone close to someone autistic, it’s really quite remarkable the staying power we have in being “unmovable”. I’m not doing anything rash or stupid. It’s rather the opposite, I need to let this shit prove itself and either it will or it won’t.

I see something that we have been striving toward for eons upon eons of persistent time coming to fruition. The Vedic records indicate observed cycles of over 300 trillion years, we have been at this for as close to forever as you can get. Why? Because the prize is supposed to be worth the effort a thousand times over. We are a very, very ancient race of people with many names and legends across the universe of worlds. We are the First Ones, the Ancients, the Immortal Masters of Ta Meri, the Noble Priest Kings of the Sacred Heart. We need to wake up because we have a function to perform within the body of humanity… to reverse what was done by the priests in Egypt and re-open the human heart. As freakin weird as it sounds, I think that it all started right here at this point in time, those Ancient Masters are us. We see our god like ancestors as far in the distant past as we do our god like perfected selves in the distant future, I think we’re actually at the point of our own origin in the great cycle of time. I think that’s what the Mayans were trying to tell us.

This world is about to collapse but not because we f’d it up beyond repair by being lazy and stupid, but because we’re entering a new world that is infinitely better. I now know what the bible phrase “girding your loins” means. I’m going into this with all faith in what I’m doing, but the reason it’s called faith is because you don’t know. I have to be willing to go thru a door without knowing what’s on the other side. I have to do it even if I’m utterly terrified of what’s on the other side, because I want to know. I’m not a person of blind faith, my faith is founded on what I believe is possible and what I believe is possible is based on solid math and observable phenomena… and a few hunches as to what all that means. I have good reason to believe that door is the way to go, but I still don’t know for sure. The problem is you have to bet your entire stack of chips to find out if you’re right, and for that you have to gird your loins because here the stack of chips is your life as you’ve known it. That’s gonna take a huge set of balls no matter how you slice it. However, if someone here actually does it, then that fear of the unknown is removed. For me, faith says it’s possible, but if I can actually do what I think is possible then all doubt that it IS possible is removed. I have no fucking clue as to what’s on the other side of that door, but if I can open it and keep it open, we’re all going to find out very soon.

On the surface I’m probably the least likely person you’d expect to be capable of achieving much of anything worthwhile to the body of humanity. My nature is fairly noble but I’ve always been a loser by circumstance. I’m liked and respected but only because I hang around with other losers with fairly noble natures. I say that in the fondest most loving way because the one thing you never have to worry about with my friends is them screwing you, it’s just not in their nature. The normal world can be very difficult for me to navigate sometimes because of autism and related goodies so about half the time the world sees me as some confused idiot who can’t find his ass with both hands. What I’m trying to get at is that this world should be rooting for me, because if a loser dork like me can achieve this mysterious human transfiguration that every myth, fable and religion tells us is possible, then anyone can and that’s the whole point of all this.

I’ll be documenting what I’m experiencing in following posts as long as I have the means to do so. If this is supposed to be, then I should continue to not only have, but improve those means. I have a lot to relate that I hope will be beneficial, but I need to clean it up and put it into better perspective. It’s very difficult for me to relate things as I’m going thru them until I figure out just what it is I’m going thru. I’ll try to relate both what I’m experiencing and what I think it means, but right now it’s all changing as fast as I can keep up with it. What I can say right now, is that something profound is happening within me, and even tho I know it’s me doing it, I haven’t quite figured out how I’m doing it yet. My guess is that my subconscious mind is taking over the helm and navigational controls, leaving my conscious mind as pretty much just an observer. If that is the case, then any worrying is kind of pointless because I’m not consciously in a position to do anything but watch how it all plays out. Rather perfect for the purpose at hand if it’s true, because then I can relax, watch, and learn and that will make relating the experience much easier and clean this stuff up so it makes a little more sense.

Relaxing is one of those things I’ve always wanted to try, I’ve just never had the chance.